I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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