cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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