You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
