the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
