Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
