Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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