apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
