im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
