That's intense
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
