Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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