im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize