his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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