I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
