The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
