he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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