New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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