i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
