Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
