So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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