At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize