I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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