Betty ford says i'm here all night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
