You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
