I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I didn't notice because vodka
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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