its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
