I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
