thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
