I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
