you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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