and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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