1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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