I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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