this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
