i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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