you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
