I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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