I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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