She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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