Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
