Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
