you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
