Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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