My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
