I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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