Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
