Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
