You made me cry and you don't even care
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
