I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Small penises have feelings too.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
