I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nicole vs. Life
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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