Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
