1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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