Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize