when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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