the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
