her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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