just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
