no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
