mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
